Cauliflower ‘steaks’ have become popular recently. I was so partial to my different versions of cauliflower ‘wings’, that I never had any interest in trying these. But boy do the pictures flood Pinterest! (cauliflower ‘steaks’ are when you slice the cauliflower so it’s big thick ‘steak’ or ‘Chicken’ like sizes.)
Normally, I just make my cauliflower ‘wings’ and put them on a sandwich, if that’s what I want that day. But I decided, ya know what, let’s make some of these cauliflower ‘steaks’ and buffalo then for a buffalo cauliflower sandwich. Maybe then, with it looking so much like a chicken cutlet, non vegans would be intrigued and want to give it a whirl.
Ohhhhh….ahhhhhh….look at how pretty!
Now that we’ve seen this picture, let’s talk real talk……
This was one. Yes, one cauliflower ‘steak’ that I got to look the way it’s supposed to without falling apart from a whole head of cauliflower! I got one other piece but if eventually fell apart on me too. That’s it! ONE!!! I was beyond confused because I’ve seen pictures of these over and over again. It looked so easy, I thought. If you cut straight down the middle, you should be able to get two but three is questionable.
Back to Pinterest I went to solve this conundrum. I know you gotta go through the stem so the florets hold together but I must be missing something, there must be a trick here.
No. No trick.
Just blatant LIES!!!!
We looked at all the pictures of peoples nicely cut cauliflower ‘steaks’ all in a line like it was all the same cauliflower. Then we looked closer. And they were slightly different! They fucking tricked me! Their slices were from at least two different cauliflowers! Fucking liars! It made me so unbelievably angry. It’s another one of those things that I hate about food photos. The motor oil instead of syrup for pancake photos, the spray deodorant on fruit to make it look like it just came out of the freezer….all these little tricks are cool and all but I WANT TO SEE REAL FUCKING FOOD!!!
‘Pinterest fails’ are iconic because of these fake ass pictures. I want real people, real food, no bullshit. Needless to say, I then used the rest of the cauliflower to make my buffalo ‘wings’ instead because they don’t actually tell you that you’ll have a plethora of cauliflower bits fall off and then like what the hell do you do with them?!?!